1/2 A Century

Arriving at ½ a Century has an odd feeling too it; A midway spot on the dial for reflection and a gaze into the crystal ball.

In an age where we are racing feverishly to turn back the clock; it is here where we can take stock, and possibly pull over to the side of the road.

Earthlings have been busy; doctors keep us around little longer, cosmeticians get a constant green light to preserve vanity, gym bunnies whip us into sex dynamos, Feces Book keeps us updated with gossip and advertisers deliver us motivational slogans - “50 is the new 40” and “70 is the new 60” and so on.

There’s something a bit dramatic about half a century, it looks impressive in Roman numerals. But from another view it is unlikely that one will reach a century regardless of an optimistic “100 is the new 80”.

With this in mind a sense a panic comes by way of being tasered – not quite extinguished but put on notice. The “to do list” becomes a charged sensation of urgency. Ok I have got this far fairly unscathed, but look at all the shit I still have left to do or want to do.

Perhaps having a “to do list” is ridiculous. At point of arrival one should note all the positives so far; a loving partner, a wealth of (real) friends, somewhat – normal family, my own set of teeth and good health. It could be vastly different -particularly if you pegged it before the anointed day.

For some 50 means a mid life crisis; however not for Colin Firth who won an Oscar at 50, thus putting off the obligatory purchase of a Harley-Davidson. Lucky for him (if winning an Oscar is all it’s cracked up to be) but perhaps that’s too whimsical an example.

Interestingly “50” in Latin is marked by the letter L. In modern vernacular depending on accomplishments or lack thereof or state of mind, this could mean loser; Or more positively lasting, laughter, love and life.

I was spared the early morning Face Book notification concerning my age this due to the now slim options Mark Suckerberg has afforded us. Have it his way, it would read “No friends but your 50! “

Thanks to him and others, data farms all across the world harbor millions of birthdays 50 or otherwise. Wouldn’t we like to know what’s in his Inbox?

But I was not spared a card from my old boarding school which happens to be the third oldest in the world. The irony wasn’t lost on me, nor the receiving of my AARP credentials in the morning mail, and who said big brother wasn’t looking after U?

So here I am at base camp with no oxygen leaving footprints in the snow, and reaching for new ones up ahead.

Jobless

Woke to the alarm of my IPhone

Read the news on my IPad

Sought confirmation on my IMac

Played a ISad song on my Itunes

Composed a song as a tribute on Garageband

And videoed it all on Imovie

RIP = Radical, Inspirational, Persistence.

No App for death yet...although something tells me you are working on it.

Two Blokes in a Pub

It’s Saturday afternoon and Rodney and Clive are down the pub, they sit opposite each other with a couple of pints in front of them. They both stare head down into their Blackberry’s with Zen like concentration. There was a time when the pub was full of banter and below par singing. Now one hears the rapid fire of thumbs in motion and the merciless sound of crash bang wallop from the fruit machine.

Communication today is through texting and the long lost art of conversation is something only to be witnessed in the British Museum along side paleontology. But if a dialogue were to brake out, it might go like this.

Clive: Ere’ Rodney fancy rioting, causing some trouble?

Rodney: Yeah, that sounds good, where did you have in mind?

Clive: In our neighborhood, you know a couple pairs of Reebok’s, Game boy and a flat screen TV.

Rodney: Brilliant Clive, then we can watch ourselves on the Evening news burning down our community, something to tell our kids.

Clive: Nah… Rodney we’ll take our kids along for the ride, show em’ the future let them get their hands dirty.

Rodney: It will be great advertising for the Olympics.

Clive: Right on Squire never did like that logo.

Rodney: Excellent, but did you hear about Burka reform in France?

Clive: What?

Rodney: It’s gonna come here only it’s called Hoody Reform, so this might be the last time we get to wear them.

Clive: Good thinking Rodney, and thank America for American Apparel.

Rodney: I was thinking, we could set fire to an electric car.

Clive: Nah Rodney that wouldn’t work, there’s no petrol, no big flames, no fire and brimstone.

Rodney: Bollocks, those environmentalists really take the fun out of anarchist discourse.

Clive: No worries mate, the Royal Wedding is over there’s no more money to spend on crowd control it will be a cinch.

Rodney: Yeah nice one, the Treasury is all tapped out.

Clive: Did you hear America has been downgraded from AAA to AA?

Rodney: More reason to riot, we’ll hit the pawn stores before the electronic store.

Clive: Good sense Guv’nor, the price of gold has hit an all time high.

Rodney: Wait a minute my phone has just been hacked by Murdoch, there’s a message alert ‘Attention all rioters News Corp wants quality footage don’t worry about the politians I still have them in my pocket’

Courtesy of News Corp Surveillance.

Uncertain Certitude

I was sitting at my computer last week attending to matters tres important (You Tube - how to cook Ramen) when up popped junk mail, however not the sought we would normally associate with.

A bulging pair of grey briefs populated the screen with no mention to its owner; I called Twitter for an explanation, they said the Chinese had hacked into Congressman Weiner’s account and was responsible for the intrusion.

Like a good citizen I believed everything they said and moved on to You Tube part two “How to get on the spot gratification from a TSA employee”.

Some moments later I received another image, this time it contained a bare chest again no certitude if the torso had a recognizable head to go with it. They were clues however to a potential owner. In the background grouped a selection of photographs with famous Politians and dignitaries, some were of Bill Clinton the former serial denier of sexual escapades. This gave me insight to the mentoring qualities of the Clinton agenda; deny, deny, deny.

Again I called up Twitter for a further prove that another injustice had befallen Congressmen Weiner, to my relief they replied the Chinese had hacked into Congressman Weiner's account and was responsible for the intrusion.

Like a good citizen I believed everything they said and moved on to You tube part three “How to get ahead in life using Twitter”.

Would you believe it some minutes later Congressman Weiner appeared before me on a sofa with two pussies? Now I am all for pussies let it be said, I have two of my own thank you very much. Could this be the moment of truth sitting before me the perpetrator of such lewd behavior? Yes you guessed it I called Twitter and back came the answer; the Chinese had hacked into Congressman Weiner’s account and was responsible for the intrusion.

Like a good citizen I believed everything they said and moved on to You tube part four “How to spot a lie in five easy ways”.

Not again! Before I could look up the word “denial” in the oxford dictionary there was Congressman Weiner staring right at me with head, torso and a piece of paper with the words “ME” written on them, the phone rang, it was Twitter they said the Chinese had hacked into Congressman Weiner’s account and was responsible for the intrusion.

Like a good citizen I believed everything they said and got on with my day without resign.

A day in the life of a sexelected official

We solemnly swear that We: Edwards, Sanford, Spitizer, Schwarzenegger, Clinton, Gingrich, Foley, Craig, Ensign, McGreevy will support the Constitution of the United States, and the Constitution of the States and that We will faithfully discharge the duties of the office of buggery, infidelity, sexual deviancy ,chasing small boys, harboring sex pets, cruelty to women, mercilessness with the truth, Lavatory toe tapping, prurient desire, having children that have no compatible DNA as your spouse, fornicating at will, and be in receipt of denials as long as possible to the best of our ability, and that We will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that We take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion;

So help us God.

Bin Hiding No More

French investigators made a starling discovery today while looking for the black box in the 2009 Rio to Paris Airbus crash. Delighted at the recent retrieval of not one, but two flight recorders they also found to their amazement a white shrouded object 6 feet, five inches long.

Stamped with US Priority mail with no return address, chief investigators Henri Shitts and Pascal Ballcock shrugged their shoulders and pouted their lips to their extraordinary find. “When we drew back the cloth at first we thought it was ZZ Top then on closer inspection we realized it was indeed Osama Bin Laden”.

It reminded us of the HBO show Six Feet Under minus the reconstructions skills of Federico Diaz. On his chest was tattooed a sentence saying gas prices to stay at four dollars per gallon for the foreseeable future.

“To be witness to such an historical event and unwitting observers of a DNA inquisition is most humbling”. Ballcock added. If it wasn’t for our validation a giant question mark would be hanging over us forever”.

Desi On Twitter# The Pakistani tourist board just announced cheap flights to Abbottabad with the slogan

“Come for tranquility, no interuptions and where you will be never be found, responsible for own litter”

Hemorrhaging from the Situation Room Wolf Blitzer fumed at the suggestion that we needed the French to authenticate the true identity and doubt our word.

“The French were quick to dismiss our role in Iraq and Afghanistan, they were overrun in World War Two, they have a mutinous national soccer team, they don’t serve pastries after 12pm, and now they show leadership in Libya! This is the final straw claiming they are arbiters of proof! Talk about late to the party…”

As a postscript to this ten year ordeal the FBI announced that Simon Cowell has been elevated to No. 1 on most wanted list.

Cover Up and Comb Over

A man with an uncanny resemblance to Donald Trump was caught breaking and entering into the NYC Department of Health and Mental Hygiene Office of Vital Records. Upon capture officers from the sanitation dept found a pair of rubber gloves, a felt tip pen, white out and a stencil.

When questioned, the man who later surrendered his true identity as Donald Stunt declared the world needed to know what a fraud I am.

“My hair isn’t real I stole it from Margaret Thatcher, which makes me British. I wanted her halo effect but had to make do with an abridged version in keeping with my adequate business skills and constant illusions of grandeur. Like everything I do in private and public life, I was trying to bullshit my way through without anyone noticing. I guess I will always be an apprentice and eventually will be fired and Miss World won’t love me anymore and I am only worth a week’s metrocard”.

“In addition I never went to an Ivy League school, in fact no school would tolerate such an ego the size of Nova Scotia and I have to have Trump sprayed all over the place because I can’t spell my name”.

Speaking from a padded cell in downtown central booking Donald Stunt lamented his first wife’s characterization of him as a slivering sack of slime, but she had a funny eastern bloc accent, I thought she meant sizzling, sexy and divine.

It wasn’t until number two came along (she had a funny accent too, Georgia- I think that’s in the Untied States) that I was listening to my own headlines.

As word spread that the famous comb over was a cover up the media pressed the White House for commentary.

“Donald Stunt’s bigoted theories and subsequent arrest only confirms Barrack Obama’s 2012 election chances are all but guaranteed” said the White House Speech writer Lionel Phibbs. “He makes Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh sound like the megaphone of reason; this I am sure will catapult the President into pole position”.

It was then Katie Couric’s deep searching question from her new job at the National Enquirer to ask how Mr. Obama’s daughters felt about the recent events.

“I am very happy; it will take us another four years in the White House to find where daddy put those dang Easter Eggs said Sasha.

“Well you know what rhymes with Stunt” replied Malia.