47% Believe Mitt Romney Is An Ass

Well Well finally the real Mitt Romney has stood up, we were wondering when the closed country club gatherings would reveal the Heavenly Father’s mission statement. 

Apparently 47% (T- Shirts printing 24/7) of the country are complete right off’s, not worthy and not worth the trouble – victims!

It was at Boca Raton retreat for white, rich, self congratulatory; off the hook corporate raiders to lounge and luxuriate to the Chosen One to wax lyrical that the unwashed population of the Untied States are losers. 

A rally at the Reichstag in 1936 would have been more charitable!

Clearly this could be seen as a Gold medal for Team Obama and Shitts Wrongly would have to double down on remarks not to appear weak to the real leaders of the GOP Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity.

Q: How big is a hole? 

A: As big Mitt Romney wants to make it.

All those Super Pac donors must think Heck! I could have bought another yacht instead of donating to this ignorant cretin. 

It would be wonderful if all fund raising was over due to this latest gaffe, that the obscene amount of money wasted had come to a close - Wishful thinking perhaps. 

Romney states that 47% pay no Income Tax …Really? Clearly this is nonsense, what about payroll tax, and sales tax? 

Un Baptized freeloaders (half the country according to Shitts) depend on the government and take the view they are entitled to this for being an Obama supporter.

Apart from the aforementioned Rush and Sean the sensible Republicans (there are some somewhere) must be appalled at such a notion. 

It was with great reluctance that Romney got the nomination a testament to pitiful pool of candidates. 

It would be hard to see him recovering from this. What we have known all along has come out in full bloom; it paints a picture of closeted, sanctimonious mercenary’s hell bent on controlling the country. 

Not happy with domestic losers Mitt makes the case that all of Palestine wants Israel’s destruction total and unconditional; 

All this from a man that inhabits a faux cult and wants to convert Jews to his Latter Day hogwash.

An election as close as this was always going to come down to an act of empathy. 

Which would you rather have someone who understands a little what working / non working people are going through or someone who divorced from reality?

Game Over Mitt, now disappear down your hole, and leave us losers to repair the country.

Start spreading the news...

It was a turbulent affair at the US Tennis final yesterday between Andy Murray and defending champion Novak Djokovic. The weekend’s tornado caused thankfully no fatalities or much damage but didn’t half play havoc with the serve and cross court coverage of these two passionate players.

Flushing Meadows might as well been the coliseum where two gladiators were battling it out rather than a corporate tennis court flushed with chilled chardonnay. 

Much was riding on the efforts of Andy Murray who had been in four Grand Slam finals with no joy thus harboring British doubts that the last person to win a major was Fred Perry in 1936 would stay that way. No pressure then Andy?

The desire for a major had become an obsession for Queen and Country and the relentless press. The burden heaped on Murray’s shoulders must have been exhausting and confounding. 

After a disappointing Wimbledon final losing to Roger Federer a repeat match for gold in the Olympics saw a transformed player. 
Winning the gold has been monumental in the confidence building started by his coach and champion Ivan Lendl. 

Fittingly so Lendl lost his first four grand slams before marching on to eight titles. His involvement has been a much needed catalyst to kick start the often dour Scot into a more relaxed focused player.

Wickedly, in true British humor he was portrayed as British when winning and Scottish when losing. This naturally upsets Scotland’s chief wanker Sir Sean Connery or James Bond who was in attendance along with Manchester United’s manager Alex Ferguson, Scotland’s second favorite son.

Andy is Scottish not British! Connery would retort, all coming from a man who wants independence from Britain but accepted a Knighthood and lives in the Bahamas! Nice reasoning Mr. Bond. 

I know Sean, it’s the weather, but the Scottish weather helped Andy navigate the hefty winds on Arthur Ash to spectacular win against former champ and ‘Dr. No’ Djokovic

Now back to the Tennis; this was a five hour, five set epic with displays of excellence by both players that inspire one as much as the Olympics and Para Olympics did this summer, which is more than can be said about our footballer players regardless of what country they come from.

Sir Andy Murray? Stop it Mr. Bond…

Spoiler Alert

NASA has a new job; it will air the Rio Olympic Games 2016 injecting a new enthusiasm for the space program. 

Clearly NBC can’t be trusted with real time delivery so it will be left to a Fiat sized Go Kart to beam down from Mars the unfolding events of Brazil's finest sporting moment. 

Barry Mud (No relation) chief engineer of Flat screens will lead a team of Best Buy specialists to relay crystal clear images of live Olympians competing in Skype Like time. 

Randy Herms lead supervisor for billing dismissed claims that Face book (share price $2) will sell Instagram to NASA. Speaking off the record, Randy stated “we don’t want those nauseating sepia filters fouling up the 100m. 

Hell No! Our 3-D service will make even Women’s Water Polo look glamorous! “

Henderson Meadows on site sign language expert took up the challenged. “Even from 200 million miles away there won’t be any need for spoiler alerts. 

The Red planet will deliver a Red hot broadcast without those gooey “how I got to the Olympics “mini movies.

Brenda Rickets Jet Propulsion Lab’s very own stylist remarked that the images will be so translucent that we’ll know if the men swimmers manicure their ‘what’s it’s’ and Gillette even isn’t a sponsor!

Which bring us to the question of payment, inquired Freddy Knuckles, chief of nothing. “To have prosperous Games we need money, so call your Congressman and Senator now and let’s have one sole sponsor – NASA. 

Heck, with your help we could have an Aquatic center in four years time - there's water honest ! Then maybe we could entice Michael Phelps out of retirement and give Brenda an eye full.

No Direction Home

Does this look like the end ? half of the biggest democracy in the world with no power.

A slow decay into a wretched demise is upon us, not one of nuclear bombs or listening to Metallica, but a collapse of infrastructure and political inaction.

It appears the plug was pulled on Northern India and plunged some 600 million people into darkness and a Vindaloo misery. 

A ghastly grab by the south of the country that used more of their share of electricity - is this how civilizations implode?

That wouldn't complete the conspiracy, for climate change has contributed too, in some areas, weak monsoon forces farmers to use more electricity to irrigate thus adding burden on an already archaic system.

And for the emerging middle classes there is a price to pay for Smartphone’s, computers and air conditioning. What use are these gadgets if the load cannot be sustained?

No power means (without backup generators) standstill, utter chaos and no Facebook or Twitter to narrate the suffering.

It’s wonderful for Apple and Samsung to rent us sexy gizmo's  salacious as they are. But despite less consumption than Canada and the USA combined, India has to have a reliable grid to run these things; Talk about the cart before the horse.

On Tenth and 42^nd many miles away, gleaming stumps in the sky wait for new occupants, the New World has it all worked out, Really ? – and the new power plants are where exactly?

One can look mighty foolish in a fancy apartment with no electricity - Bike lanes can only do so much.

A blackout of the system is a blackout of the spirit, and unless sanity prevails we all could meet a suffocating and sweaty end.

Cheerfully yours … Stuck in the Mud. 

Boris the Bike Engine

A very British Cock up is emerging, this time it pertains to the unfolding drama called ‘Which way to the Olympics?’ Recent reports from the motherland indicate shades of Monty Python at play.

Olympians arriving at Heathrow on route to the Village have been caught up in a marathon like expedition, compromising of four hours worth of detours by bus drivers who clearly don’t have GPS or the ‘Knowledge’. 

The ‘Knowledge’ incidentally is the urban exam every London cab driver has to take in order to drive a cab. Quite unlike anything a New York cabbie has to endure. 

And talking of Cabbies, there seems to be a protest among them to foul up the City because of denied access to the Olympic lanes designed for crap bus drivers and high minded officials to whiz by in their BMW’s. A fine of 130 Pounds Sterling is in the offering for any undesirable who breaks the law.

One would suggest a running prosthetics issued at every terminal for arrivals for a smooth passage into London. 

But Michael Johnson the former US Olympic champion deems them to be unfair.

All this confusion must stem from the bloody genius who designed the games logo – anyone who can decipher that deserves a gold medal. 

Not with content with traffic woes it has now been realized that the security firm G4S (Good 4 Shite) in charge of protecting all and sundry can only produce a handful of chaps to preside over a small nations worth of people. It has been left to the Army to pick up the slack just when they thought returning from Afghanistan and spending quality time with their families was on the cards. 

As a side note Nick Buckles the head of G4S only gets almost a million a year for his talents and swiped two hundred and eighty four million of tax payer’s money to do the job. Evidently he should be in banking and this makes the British government looked efficient!

Ah but wait! Redemption is at hand, in light of fresh shenanigans at Barclays; a glorious proposal has been put forward by chief sycophant ‘Boris the Bike Johnson’. It is rumored that Boris Johnson the Mayor of London sleeps with a Barclays bedspread and matching pajamas, but never mind the imperfections this is his finest hour. Due to the resignation of top executives, Boris has hatched a plan to salvage the fine name of Barclays and render it back into the good graces of the public by the Diamond Refund.

The Diamond Refund by way of ‘giveback’ will use the former CEO bonus to offset British taxpayer’s troubles by giving every Olympian and a spectator a free Barclays bicycle for life with the added incentive to reopen or open a checking account at your local branch.

Just think of the benefits, Olympic lanes with its very own peloton, anticipation for a first GB Tour de France win, good health for the bulging British waistline, seamless  access to events across the city and no exorbitant taxis rides – heavens it will look like Amsterdam or Copenhagen, it’s an effing Gold medal !

Well done Boris you magnificent buffoon.

Wheel of Fortune

A funny thing happened while on route to my pole dancing class today, I found myself in my local bank making a quick cash deposit, a rare occurrence I have to say when I noticed something different.

First of all the noise, along the walls stood rows and rows of EGM’s (electronic gaming machines) and carpeting had replaced the linoleum, although it could not dull the sound, it felt reassuring under my feet.

The Citibank logo had been changed to Casino Bank® with bright flashing lights. A roulette wheel sped by in a whippet frenzy manned by the former security guard. The blackjack tables sat where once the deposit slips stood - local depositors hugged the edges with rapt attention. 

The ATM’s lined up in a cynical row beckoning you to withdraw. Keisha my usual counter Associated had slipped out of her corporate slacks and was bursting out of her ‘barely there’ cocktail dress wearing a wicked smile. 

“We have free drinks for any checking account over 1,000.00 dollars”. I didn’t, but sampled them anyway.

There was the Bank of America cocktail called the Dirty Mortgage Martini laced with vodka, crushed Greek olives, and grenadine.

Not bad, although not a fan of olives, Greek or otherwise. Next was the “Citibank” a concoction of Baileys, gasoline and peach schnapps with a red umbrella. This aptly was called the “Baileys Bailout” and I had three thanks to being a local branch member.

Keisha knows exactly how much money I have in my accounts but continues to let me drink regardless. She handed me a “Captain Morgan Chase” I was mildly surprised by the Dark rum, bitters and self regulatory jalapenos.

By now my head was spinning in tandem with the roulette table but I was on a roll. Next, the Barclay’s Rig, a lovely blend of Bacardi, Blue Curacao and Bollinger, every Trader recommends them I hear.

There were two more left and I was in great peril of missing my class, time was of no importance seeing all clocks on the walls had been removed.

Keisha said this was her favorite the HSBC, Hire Shady Bankers Committee; this was punitively prison worthy, Grappa, Saké, Tequila and lighter fuel. Ghastly, but like most bankers ‘It puts you in the red’.

Lastly and in need of the ‘All you can eat buffet’ I spotted in what used to be the manager’s office the RBS (Royal Bank of Scotland) this fittingly was called the Robber Barons Scotch comprising of Laphroaig, Lagavulin, Talisker and Haggis - Need I comment?

In this ‘Winner - takes - all - World it is heartening to know that whatever money you deposit will be matched with a thriving 0.0100 % interest rate just about the same odds as winning in Las Vegas.

It’s hard to see the difference anymore, the house always wins.

Burpppp!!!  Now’s where’s my pole?

Downward Yob

When did applying for a marriage license become so hot? ; Apparently when Alec Baldwin obtained one. 

The much published engagement to a young hot yoga teacher Hilaria Thomas (Hot in the looks department not in the Bikram style) has sparked off a flash of excitement among the salacious press. 

Our very own hothead Alec ‘Downward Yob’ Baldwin has done it again tackling the media on all fronts, beginning with the ejection from American Airlines for not shutting off his phone, to Tweeting a bile ridden defense of his girlfriend at her yoga studio and the left savage phone message concerning his daughters tardiness in replying to his calls (who could be blame her)

Clearly the calming effect of his future wife vocation is doing wonders, or is it the thought of marriage Ouch! That was hot. Or perhaps his brother (Stephen) loss to Kevin Costner in some court room oil dispute. 

Whatever it is Ms Thomas might wonder what pose to adopt when dealing with the cantankerous future hubby. Perhaps she might have retreated to the summer solstice in Times Square where hundreds of yogis are calming the notorious loud intersection with meditative vibes.

And maybe I can permit myself once more to use the word ‘Hot’ to describe the day’s event.