Boris the Bike Engine

A very British Cock up is emerging, this time it pertains to the unfolding drama called ‘Which way to the Olympics?’ Recent reports from the motherland indicate shades of Monty Python at play.

Olympians arriving at Heathrow on route to the Village have been caught up in a marathon like expedition, compromising of four hours worth of detours by bus drivers who clearly don’t have GPS or the ‘Knowledge’. 

The ‘Knowledge’ incidentally is the urban exam every London cab driver has to take in order to drive a cab. Quite unlike anything a New York cabbie has to endure. 

And talking of Cabbies, there seems to be a protest among them to foul up the City because of denied access to the Olympic lanes designed for crap bus drivers and high minded officials to whiz by in their BMW’s. A fine of 130 Pounds Sterling is in the offering for any undesirable who breaks the law.

One would suggest a running prosthetics issued at every terminal for arrivals for a smooth passage into London. 

But Michael Johnson the former US Olympic champion deems them to be unfair.

All this confusion must stem from the bloody genius who designed the games logo – anyone who can decipher that deserves a gold medal. 

Not with content with traffic woes it has now been realized that the security firm G4S (Good 4 Shite) in charge of protecting all and sundry can only produce a handful of chaps to preside over a small nations worth of people. It has been left to the Army to pick up the slack just when they thought returning from Afghanistan and spending quality time with their families was on the cards. 

As a side note Nick Buckles the head of G4S only gets almost a million a year for his talents and swiped two hundred and eighty four million of tax payer’s money to do the job. Evidently he should be in banking and this makes the British government looked efficient!

Ah but wait! Redemption is at hand, in light of fresh shenanigans at Barclays; a glorious proposal has been put forward by chief sycophant ‘Boris the Bike Johnson’. It is rumored that Boris Johnson the Mayor of London sleeps with a Barclays bedspread and matching pajamas, but never mind the imperfections this is his finest hour. Due to the resignation of top executives, Boris has hatched a plan to salvage the fine name of Barclays and render it back into the good graces of the public by the Diamond Refund.

The Diamond Refund by way of ‘giveback’ will use the former CEO bonus to offset British taxpayer’s troubles by giving every Olympian and a spectator a free Barclays bicycle for life with the added incentive to reopen or open a checking account at your local branch.

Just think of the benefits, Olympic lanes with its very own peloton, anticipation for a first GB Tour de France win, good health for the bulging British waistline, seamless  access to events across the city and no exorbitant taxis rides – heavens it will look like Amsterdam or Copenhagen, it’s an effing Gold medal !

Well done Boris you magnificent buffoon.