A funny thing happened while on route to my pole dancing class today, I found myself in my local bank making a quick cash deposit, a rare occurrence I have to say when I noticed something different.
First of all the noise, along the walls stood rows and rows of EGM’s (electronic gaming machines) and carpeting had replaced the linoleum, although it could not dull the sound, it felt reassuring under my feet.
The Citibank logo had been changed to Casino Bank® with bright flashing lights. A roulette wheel sped by in a whippet frenzy manned by the former security guard. The blackjack tables sat where once the deposit slips stood - local depositors hugged the edges with rapt attention.
The ATM’s lined up in a cynical row beckoning you to withdraw. Keisha my usual counter Associated had slipped out of her corporate slacks and was bursting out of her ‘barely there’ cocktail dress wearing a wicked smile.
“We have free drinks for any checking account over 1,000.00 dollars”. I didn’t, but sampled them anyway.
There was the Bank of America cocktail called the Dirty Mortgage Martini laced with vodka, crushed Greek olives, and grenadine.
Not bad, although not a fan of olives, Greek or otherwise. Next was the “Citibank” a concoction of Baileys, gasoline and peach schnapps with a red umbrella. This aptly was called the “Baileys Bailout” and I had three thanks to being a local branch member.
Keisha knows exactly how much money I have in my accounts but continues to let me drink regardless. She handed me a “Captain Morgan Chase” I was mildly surprised by the Dark rum, bitters and self regulatory jalapenos.
By now my head was spinning in tandem with the roulette table but I was on a roll. Next, the Barclay’s Rig, a lovely blend of Bacardi, Blue Curacao and Bollinger, every Trader recommends them I hear.
There were two more left and I was in great peril of missing my class, time was of no importance seeing all clocks on the walls had been removed.
Keisha said this was her favorite the HSBC, Hire Shady Bankers Committee; this was punitively prison worthy, Grappa, Saké, Tequila and lighter fuel. Ghastly, but like most bankers ‘It puts you in the red’.
Lastly and in need of the ‘All you can eat buffet’ I spotted in what used to be the manager’s office the RBS (Royal Bank of Scotland) this fittingly was called the Robber Barons Scotch comprising of Laphroaig, Lagavulin, Talisker and Haggis - Need I comment?
In this ‘Winner - takes - all - World it is heartening to know that whatever money you deposit will be matched with a thriving 0.0100 % interest rate just about the same odds as winning in Las Vegas.
It’s hard to see the difference anymore, the house always wins.
Burpppp!!! Now’s where’s my pole?
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