American Candidate

Good Evening Suckers my name is Ryan Seacrest and welcome to the eternal American Candidate show.

On our panel of righteous indignation tonight is Bill Clinton, Spike Lee, Lindsey Lohan and Charlie Sheen.

We are down to the last four contestants and here they are;

In the Ken doll corner we have Shitts Wrongly.

In the sanctimonious corner Prick Cantstandhim.

In the revisionist corner Puke Gingrich and the marginalized corner Thong Paul.

Bill you have a question for Puke.

Bill Clinton: Why to you want to be President of the United States of America?
Puke Gingrich:

Because I am better than everyone else.Because my head has the same circumference as Jack Nicholson.
Because I know history and no one in the USA does.
Because I bullshit with remarkable ease.
Because I’m a serial hypocrite.
Because my ego is the size of the nation debt.
And because I ‘m cuddly and America needs cuddly in times such as these.

Bill Clinton: Thank you Puke I believe we have much in common.

Spike Lee: A question for Shitts.

Spike Lee: What’s the first thing you would do once President.

Shitts Wrongly: Because I am a Mormon I would baptize all the dead presidents that have gone before,

Hell I would even baptize everyone !! However not Scientologists they’re just plain weird.

But in addition I would fire everyone on the set of Big Love particularly that Margene… the little minx.

Spike Lee: Tru dat…

Hi my name’s Lindsey Lohan and I‘ll do anything for publicity.

My question to you Prick is, your views on abortion even for a Neo Fascist appear extreme.
You stated that you oppose abortion even in a case of rape. I thought I was the
Bat shit crazy one?

Prick Cantstandhim: Well I believe one should make the best out of a bad situation.”, because it was still a gift from God. Rapists are people too.

Lindsey Lohan: What if a man impregnated your daughter then came out as gay.

Prick Cantstandhim: Ah…that’s different then I would allow for an abortion to take
place.

Lindsey Lohan: Thought so…

…And finally a question for Thong Paul from Charlie Sheen.

Yo Thong how’s it hangin?

You have said and I quote “The prevailing attitude of the American
people is that everyone has a right to medical care,” “This is an intellectual
error that will lead us down a path toward destroying what is good in the
current system.”

Charlie Sheen: The current system is not working and is divisive it makes no sense to run a country on such division.

Thong Paul: You’re right Charlie, I ‘m from Texas. We have a historyof knowing absolutely nothing.

Well there you have it Americans, apparently this is the best America can provide in choosing its
leader.

Tune in next week for more diversion and razzmatazz.