Cover Up and Comb Over

A man with an uncanny resemblance to Donald Trump was caught breaking and entering into the NYC Department of Health and Mental Hygiene Office of Vital Records. Upon capture officers from the sanitation dept found a pair of rubber gloves, a felt tip pen, white out and a stencil.

When questioned, the man who later surrendered his true identity as Donald Stunt declared the world needed to know what a fraud I am.

“My hair isn’t real I stole it from Margaret Thatcher, which makes me British. I wanted her halo effect but had to make do with an abridged version in keeping with my adequate business skills and constant illusions of grandeur. Like everything I do in private and public life, I was trying to bullshit my way through without anyone noticing. I guess I will always be an apprentice and eventually will be fired and Miss World won’t love me anymore and I am only worth a week’s metrocard”.

“In addition I never went to an Ivy League school, in fact no school would tolerate such an ego the size of Nova Scotia and I have to have Trump sprayed all over the place because I can’t spell my name”.

Speaking from a padded cell in downtown central booking Donald Stunt lamented his first wife’s characterization of him as a slivering sack of slime, but she had a funny eastern bloc accent, I thought she meant sizzling, sexy and divine.

It wasn’t until number two came along (she had a funny accent too, Georgia- I think that’s in the Untied States) that I was listening to my own headlines.

As word spread that the famous comb over was a cover up the media pressed the White House for commentary.

“Donald Stunt’s bigoted theories and subsequent arrest only confirms Barrack Obama’s 2012 election chances are all but guaranteed” said the White House Speech writer Lionel Phibbs. “He makes Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh sound like the megaphone of reason; this I am sure will catapult the President into pole position”.

It was then Katie Couric’s deep searching question from her new job at the National Enquirer to ask how Mr. Obama’s daughters felt about the recent events.

“I am very happy; it will take us another four years in the White House to find where daddy put those dang Easter Eggs said Sasha.

“Well you know what rhymes with Stunt” replied Malia.

B.C. Before Cadbury's

Breaking News...

Archeologists have just made an important discovery, fragments of multicolored tin foil have been found at the Cenacle on the Mount Zion. This allegedly was the location where Jesus and other notable Foodies had the Last Supper.

Mortimer Bottomsworth Rhodes Scholar and professor of Confectionary at Christ Church College Oxford and his trusty crew of day labors found what appear to be Cadbury Cream egg wrappers. This startling development has thrown the whole culinary world into total consternation.

In what could only be characterized as a Christian food fight, and speaking from an undisclosed location (Wal-Mart aisle 4, Newark, New Jersey) Professor Bottomsworth enthused that previous conclusions of the menu contained the usual fare of the day; herb encrusted lamb, lemongrass shish kebab, apricot pork Provencal and a scrotum sack full of chicken Mac nougats wasn’t at all what was consumed that night.

Professor Bottomsworth further added. "Its no wonder Judas bashed out on sugar turn chocoholic Jesus into the authorities."

"The Eucharist must review its snack policy if we are to revise this historical breakthrough. From now on Sunday Communion must serve chocolate eggs and Cadburys at that. I am totally convinced that congregations around the world would swell and even Muslims will convert. This is a Win Win, as they say Seminary School".

"It makes perfect sense why Jesus would raise from the dead and most likely that he invented the Dow Jones".

"Cadburys stands to become the biggest publicly traded company in the world. And they don’t even have an App for that!"

"It is abundantly clear to me, the professor frothed “BC means Before Cadbury’s”

Comments from the Vatican and the Archbishop of Canterbury voiced displeasure with these findings claiming Professor Bottomsworth a Heretic and unbridled opportunist. However reports reveal they both have opened an E* TRADE account.

What Next ?

It takes a perverse sense of timing to remove the Charlie Sheen shit show from the headlines. The cataclysmic events unfolding in Japan have done that sorry to say in the most horrendous way imaginable.

This on going story is hard to fathom and we can only hope no more misery befalls this country. Haiti was bad enough but now we are faced with big questions that need big answers. While Mother Nature voices it’s displeasure with us, we humans are merely renters on this earth and the landlord evidently is very pissed off. Misbehaving renters have a blind spot for many things never more so when it comes to energy.

Energy is everything.

Interestingly for now the oil price has dropped a shade because a part of Japan has been obliterated and isn’t consuming the vast amounts of oil it imports. Yet the another source of energy, nuclear (secrecy in abundant supply) is threatening at time of writing to remind senior citizens of the horrors of World War Two. Oh did I mention the winter weather.

Moving on to more human suffering we find Libya in a brutal struggle to keep Gaddafi from carnage and reeking revenge on its people. The years of appeasement from the West to Arab autocrats is now coming home to roost. America and Europe dithering into a cohesive action demonstrates the fragile nature of united diplomacy.

While I understand the reluctance to be drawn into other Arab / Muslim conflict the irony of such a situation can’t be ignored. The invasion of Iraq and Afghanistan wasn’t welcome in the eyes of its people (or warranted for that matter) and yet here we are listening to the Libyan people pleading for intervention resulting in a perfectly performed Ass back to front, tits up logic.

A No-fly zone would halt (for some time at least) the continuing massacre and off shore bombing of strategic positions would disenable Gaddafi into a compromised state. An armed intervention would not be wise, but if we are telling the Saudi’s to send arms to the rebels (rebels = goods guys or bad guys, have no clue these days) while they shoot protesters in Bahrain, what kind of message are we sending?

The autocrats of Yemen and Bahrain are emboldened by Gaddafi’s stance by this wishy washy policy. The fact that Gaddafi has vocally said he would reward China, Russia and Germany with oil contracts speak volumes to where we are. Pay back for colonial divide and conquer comes by way of Got Gas?

Back to energy; Oil, this plays a central role to the growing mess we find ourselves in and the giant gas station called the Middle East renders the world at its mercy. We all know too well Saudi Arabia cannot fall into the hands of Shiites so the Holy Grail of oil must be preserved.

The Arab Berlin Wall is falling and the Sixth fleet knows its coordinates. Just like the earth’s axis has been knocked off kilter from Japan’s earthquake so has the world’s leadership.

Will The Real Nut Job Please Stand Up...

Just who is the craziest; Corporal Gaddafi or Barmy Sheen?

Bunkered down in their respective camps, Sheen surrounded by porn stars, crack vials and Lindsey Lohan while Gaddafi is surrounded by Camels and infidels.

Rants from both of these specimens make it awfully hard to determine a winner.

Here’s a colorful selection from both.

Gaddafi: The Libyan people love me.

Sheen: You can’t process me with a normal brain.

Gaddafi: I am like the Queen of England

Sheen: I have defeated this earthworm with my words – imagine what I would have done with my fire-breathing fists.

Gaddafi: Life without dignity is worthless.

Sheen: Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.

Gaddafi: I am much bigger than any rank, for those who are talking about rank, I am a fighter.

Sheen: These resentments, they are the rocket fuel that lives in the tip of my sabre.

Gaddafi: I woke up at 4am, before dawn. You should be asleep. You’re all tired after a sleepless night.

Sheen: I'm extremely old-fashioned, I'm a nobleman, and I’m chivalrous.

Gaddafi: al-Qaida was behind the uprising, and young people involved in it had been given drugs, which were now beginning to wear off.

Sheen: I am a rock star from Mars.

You decide…

Another one bites the dust...

Cor Blimey peeps its hard to keep up with events unfolding in North Africa and the Middle East. Dictators and autocrats are being toppled on average one a week, if only Saddam could have gone the same way we could of save an awful of blood and treasure. Who will go next; Iran, Syria, Saudi Arabia, Arizona?

In the case of Libya and Daffy Gaddafi we are witnessing a monster with an chronic face lift ending his last days in the most gruesome manner. Using tanks and warplanes to suppress your fellow country folk is hardly the recipe for good relations. Egypt’s Mubarak sent in his renta thugs on camels and sticks with no success at all. That should have been an indication how passionate and determined the protesters were.

But Gaddafi has been mentally unstable for all of his 41 years in power and evidence of this continual madness is sadly playing out with his last bullet. Perhaps the only person standing in Libya once the dust settles will be Lockerbie bomber Al Megrahi who’s near death cancer shows no signs of well… ending his life !He managed with skillful bedside manner to out fox a dimwitted Scottish Parliament, and ministerial clowns in Westminster into releasing him back to a Tripoli terrain with rock star applause.

And we can’t leave out Tony Blair’s’ cheesy grin and clasped handshake cementing an arms deal that is now being used in all probability on the Libyan people as we tweet.

And really… do we have to listen the sanctimonious bollocks from the Russian leadership Medvedev and his bum chum Vlad Putin harp on about decades of unrest, honestly brothers haven’t you got your own dictatorship to run?

Democracy is messy and it is far too early to tell what will happen and what form democracy will take place, if at all. Conventional wisdom points to Turkey as a favorable model of governance that the West can live by.But it's ah...complicated.

In the interim may I propose, on loan however (Jon Stewart needs them for constant comedy material) we fill the vacuum of rudderless countries with our very own wackados. I think Sarah Palin would look smashing posing beside a pyramid. It would sharpen up her geography skills just in time for that big election in 2012. The landmass of Libya would just about fit the swollen carcass of Rush Limbaugh and his fondness for insanity is in keeping with his predecessor corporal Gaddafi and lastly for now, Glen Beck can weep all over Tunisia and guides us through Muslim modernity.

It is fair to say that Gaddafi will not be getting an invitation to William and Kate’s wedding.