A Stand Up performance at the Golden Robes

It’s the Golden Robes and back for a repeat performance as MC was giant gabber jaws Ricky Gervais. Threatening before hand to misbehave and not be a slave to a script or auto cue he accomplished this with spirited honesty.

But first one has to endure the red carpet, which really amounts to silliness on steroids and for some the main event, seeing it’s about selling fabric as it is about selling bums in seats.

Donning on my fashion hat as I am qualified to do, I feel it necessary to point out fashion faux pars, and lets face it ,the experts make a habit of getting it wrong on numerous occasions so What The Frock !

So who found themselves on the Good Bad and OMG list?

Good: January Jones sizzling in red sophistication, Grace Kelly revisited.Halle Berry’s sleek stealth black dress delicate but strong and Natalie Portman looking rosy and perfect and preggers.

Bad: Julianne Moore’s dress looked like an air bag had deflated on it.Sandra Bullock supported disobedient gothic bangs and a shapeless pink gown held together with staples. Angelina Jolie pouted purr-fectly in her Muppet green sofa upholstery long green sleeves. While Jennifer Love Hewitt appeared in a powder blue clam shell dress that could hide a few entrees - food for thought indeed !

OMG! Heidi Klum appeared as a Battenberg cake gone spastic while Kyra Sedgwick came in prison Gitmo apparel. Tilda Swinton’s Houdini straight jacket must have kept her busy all night and Helena Bonham Carter? Hmmm… aren’t you taking Alice in Wonderland a bit too far?

Traditionally the Gobles are a squashed drunken affair, housed in a tight ballroom where some of the most insecure of this world fall and fawn over each other captured by network TV hoping for a more relaxed affair - unlike the Oscars.

For us civilians it is a wide angled lens into the world of seismic self gratification and the occasion good slice of film. Asking for Ricky Gervais to MC is like asking the crazy Aunt loaded on sherry to spill family secrets. In his case its Leffe beer.As he warned, some of Hollywood’s self righteousness was about to be ripped a new rectum. He is the Wiki leaks of Hollywood and in truth it wasn’t all that harmful, just a refreshing spin on a shallow spectacle. Taking on Scientology in Hollywood is fair game in a culture that allegedly believes in liberal views. The gay outing of Tom Cruise is not new, but recalibrated in a way that reinforces the silly sham put forward by agents and the media.

Robert Downey Jr is a smack head, but he’s done rather well in spite of it so laugh of it off jerk! And go swap cocaine vials with Charlie Sheen.

Yes Tim Allen has nothing on Tom Hanks at least Mr. Allen is employed. And by the way just because “The Tourist” has two bombshells it doesn’t necessary mean instant classic, and perhaps bribery was its only friend as Gervais remarked.

Reports have suggested that the disappearance for nearly an hour was due to a Network bollocking. I rather think he nipped out to a Mexican truck stop for some welcome relief.

Whether Ricky Gervais gets asked back next year probably relies on what the ratings were, not that he cares much, remember, there were only two episodes of the Office and Extras, why over saturate?

If anyone is wondering why the tardiness with this report I was finishing a beer with Ricky…It takes more than an hour.

Cheers… Up your Bum!

Sympathy for the Disheveled

Keith Richards is a medical marvel and his immune system should for the benefit of mankind be on display at the British Museum as testament to a life thoroughly endured. From there a world wide tour must commence starting at the Smithsonian in Washington DC and cross the finish line in Paris at the Academie Des Sciences. Tickets for viewing will be restricted to two per person, smoking is permitted on the premises, however flash photography is prohibited and will be rigorously enforced (no amount of fancy photography can improve the looks of such a specimen)

After reading ‘Life’ the autobiography of broken teeth Keef Richards you fall between a feeling of repulsion and sheer wonder for such a person. This page turner of a book is packed with surprises, shattered myths and recipes for Bangers and Mash. While heavily serialized in The London Sunday Times there are gems of stories on every page. The belief that under such junkie turmoil one could actually remember such accounts of behavior would seem Herculean.
But there’s only one Keith Richards and possibly over the multitude of drug intake there was one that retained memory.

I was intrigued to find that Charlie Watts had a sharp left hook when Jagger pissed him off to great lengths and almost knocked him out of a hotel window in Amsterdam. In fact, feeling rather pleased with the outcome Charlie was itching for a repeat performance some days later. It was only when Richards pleaded with him that he reversed his decision.

The myths that follow such legends sometimes have to be finally dealt head on; such was the case with Marianne and a famous confectionary bar. This was pre Rupert Murdoch days where lies and fiction share the same bed. It was the local constabulary that fancifully constructed the idea that Britain’s favorite chocolate bar had been inserted somewhere other than an oral cavity. Indeed Miss Faithful was naked with only a rug for fabric shelter and there was a Mars Bar on the table nearby, but truth dictates it remained idle and still in its wrapper.

The fondness for drugs and the distress it caused Richards and for all those around at times is very hard to fathom. The extraordinary amount of planning one had to do to have junk at the next show in order to function was astonishing. Girlfriend swapping was almost as interchangeable as needles and yet Richards did not collect women the way Bill Wyman or Jagger did, counting and documenting as if it were a homework assignment. When Jagger received a Knighthood it was a fitting portrayal to who Jagger was; a social butterfly and in contrast, Richards would take no part in a world that some decades earlier wanted lock them up and throw away the key.

This is a most satisfactory read, however if you think that Mr. Richards has a enough money then gallop to the nearest public library where a Mandrax induced librarian will be happy to furnish you with a copy. Err… that’s if county council cutbacks haven’t already kicked in.