Wicked Wiki

Now that Wiki leaks has disclosed the exact the location of my Tree house and divulged to the world what a safe house it has been for foreign leaders, dignitaries and dirty diplomats, I must now make other arrangements for the bachelorette party I was planning for Kate Middleton future Queen of England.

I have only just finished cleaning up after that bugger Berlusconi who got up to heinous havoc in my hammock with some borderline legal senorita. And if that wasn’t bad enough, his bum chum alpha dog Putin was spotted by Hillary Clinton binoculars bare-chested cradling a hapless Medvedev in his arms.

You could imagine the paranoia in the room when Karzai, Kim Jong-Il and Hitler Ahmadinejad sat around my scrabble board dispersing filthy commentary about Sarkozy’s wife.

The French President went to great lengths to deny claims that he pimped out Carla to any willing European leader in exchange for more favorable grain subsidies. I must admit I took pity on him here; she only managed as far as Luxemburg where she was kidnapped by Sunni militants who sold her into the Burka sex slave syndicate and has never been seen since.

And didn’t the world already know that the Saudis were funding Al-Qaeda while buying fighter jets from the Americans?

There’s was a moment of hilarity one night when I was hosting a party for Gaddafi (Daffy indeed) who turned up with his well endowed Ukrainian nurse. Apparently he is afraid of flying which translated in into altitude sickness thus spending the whole evening at the foot of my tree declaring his ego wasn’t as big as perceived because he only promoted himself to colonel.

However it was reassuring to hear that the Saudis and Israelis were pissed at the US for not wanting bomb Iran. Perhaps there will be peace between those arch enemies after all.

Honestly, where is one going to throw a good party, now those Freedom of Information do gooders have killed all the fun? And I thought mortgage bankers were the terrors. Who’s going to buy my Tree pad now?

In the words of Rodney King “Can we all just smoke a bong?”

Kings & Queens Of America

Many a peculiar thing has happened to America after finding it’s independence from Great Britain or perhaps nowadays not bad Britain or so so Britain, one being; the crowning of music ions into Kings and Queens, albeit quite some years later.

Although the passage to the new world was rough and rougher still once settled, it didn’t half produce some incredible music. By the fifties and onto present day America the Republic has apparently shed its distaste for the monarchy and embraced the regal posture of the throne.

It would be hokum to see a peanut butter and jelly sandwich swap for a cucumber sandwich as in the case of the King of Rock n Roll Elvis Presley; Or to see James Brown the King of Funk opening the Houses of Parliament. Perhaps Johnny Cash the King of Country inspecting the Trooping of the Colour would be less strange. And of course most odd to see Eminem the King of Rap to deliver the Christmas day address to the nation, as for the King of Hip Hop Jay Z to present the winning trophy at Ascot.

Horrors of horrors to have the Queen of Soul Aretha Franklin trade in ‘Freeway of Love’ for a stately minuet and Marvin Gaye the King of Soul open for the Buckingham Palace tea party with “What’s going on?”

Fancy hearing Prince Charles mumbling the Blues in front of the King of the Blues Muddy Waters and then clap out of time to the King of Folk Woody Guthrie singing “This land is our land” Prince Phillip would look equally out of sorts tooting his horn along side the King of Jazz John Coltrane.

Madonna the Queen of Pop has already claimed the throne due to the death of Lady Diana her words not mine!

And finally the man who wears gilded epaulets better than any official royal; the King of Pop Michael Jackson who wouldn’t be out place waving his white glove from the balcony of Windsor castle. All this adoption of the realm leaves me with the distinct impression that taxes haven’t been paid?